My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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