If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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