so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
