Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
