If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
