Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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