You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
