She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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