I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
