i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
