We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
