Your dad touched me again.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
