I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
