I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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