Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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