Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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