Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
