the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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