if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
