My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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