I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
