you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
