I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
