easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
