Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
