if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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