Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
