I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
