worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
