her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
