After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Two words: nipple clamps
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