i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
