hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i will never coherently bang her
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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