I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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