you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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