Duck Duck Cougar?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
