Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
