I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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