conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
