2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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