Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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