That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
