Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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