yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
