my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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