i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
