Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Randomize
