Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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