Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
