I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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