the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
