haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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