You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
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Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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