I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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