I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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