mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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