just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
