If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
