So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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